I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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