Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
