When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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