you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
