She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
