i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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