I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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