just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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