Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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