You're my little dorito
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
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She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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