I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
