He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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