he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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