I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
