So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.