Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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