one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
