Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
