i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
