there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
How external is "for external use only"?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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