You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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