I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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