so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
