He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
