but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
