i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
