It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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