Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
