had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
