i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
