before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
