My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
