Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
