no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
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One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
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i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.