If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Can you bring me the toilet please
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet