At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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