I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
