My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I am spending my child support on dildos
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just gargled with NyQuil
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
