Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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