if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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