i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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