Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
