Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
