mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
pray to the hookup gods
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
