are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
