Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
