I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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