he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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