you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
