Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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