my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
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after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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