Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
