yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just high enough for therapy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
