I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
God I need to hump something, right now.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
