You smell like stripper and shame
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
