If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Randomize
