I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
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Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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