i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
