pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
