I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
