the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.