I cannot find my penis.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
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For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
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He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.